“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
#merica
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus