The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Uh oh…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Who called it baking and not making love