Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.