My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
pizza
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.