me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra