me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
bro what is going on at twitter
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[montage of me giving-up]
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.