*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am