Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head