Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
You Might Also Like
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
same vibe as tangled headphones