I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes