Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me driving through Toronto
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.