Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?