Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
#MeanwhileInCanada
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.