ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
(Electricians.)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Oh thanks BBC.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.