Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Baking is just science you can eat.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.