“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any