I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…