Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know