Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.