If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.