Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Yup….perfect score!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before