Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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Buck naked
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.