Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
lmfao come on
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
White Castle for the Win
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.