Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)