They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.