A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Can’t. Being lazy.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!