Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
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[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.