I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.