My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets