You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane