When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.