[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is