me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math