After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word