when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly