Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’