I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You Might Also Like
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.