My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.