Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Basketball
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money