Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
gentlemen, hear me out
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist