My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
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This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.