Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *