I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
doing some research
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.