AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….