Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me in tagged photos
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Covid like
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
one of
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels