When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
File under excellent bookstore names.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread