The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug