This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”