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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?