What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Breaking news:
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.